Oct. 2, 2022
[Written originally as my first email dispatch home in 2006 as my family was embarking on a year in France. As with Paris and French generally, nothing much has changed in almost 20 years and won't for another 20, give or take 100.]
[Read the companion story, Rosh Hashana in the Bois de Boulogne]
My goals are now to: (1) understand headlines, (2) get the general drift of stories on tv or in print, (3) smile intermittently in movies with subtitles, (4) have a subtle but real advantage in English crossword puzzles, (5) try not to annoy by dropping in French words or phrases just for effect, and (6) teach you the rudiments of French.
Just because I can't seem to learn French, that doesn't mean you shouldn't. After all, I am a professor and well-schooled in the art of teaching things I hardly know. I don’t expect you to trust me on faith. So to establish my credentials, let me offer four
clues from recent crossword puzzles. If you know the answers, you do not need my lessons. If you don’t, I’m your instructor. I answered all four correctly.
1. A three-letter word for summer in Tours
2. A four-letter word for Tours to be
3. A four-letter word for needle case
4. A three-letter word for friend of Pierre
(The answers are at the bottom of this email.)
OK, let’s get started. First, let me disabuse you of something you might have read in The New Yorker. David Sedaris’ piece in the Sept. 18 issue is plein de hooey (full of hooey). In it, out of frustration with French, he stakes out the position that all you need to know is “d’accord.” (The "d" is silent, as you should be.) He’s pulling your jambe. Saying “d’accord” will accomplish little more than smiling and putting your neck on bobblehead pilot.
Let’s build your confidence. We’ll go with the many, many, many cognates that will get you most of the way there for thousands of everyday words. They will not get you all the way there because your pronunciation will give you away and subject you to derision. Again, silence is d'or. [Yes, that's why D'or Fashion is the ultimate boutique shopping experience for women.] See how well you're doing already.
There is a school of French language instruction that cautions against faux amis; that is, false friends. They are terms that aren’t what they appear to be and exist mostly to trip up we Americans, who may confidently show off by saying, “chambre musique” only to discover through prolonged laughter that you’re actually saying you like the music of the bedroom. Think of it as a conversation starter, and you’ve just opened with a funny.
The more optimistic reality is that French and English are joined at the hip of cognate, not far, though, from the ship of fools.
As in life, there are far fewer faux amis than there are good buddies, words with which you feel comfortable and can count on. One trick is to angle the pronunciation about 5 degrees away from what you’re accustomed to and roll your r’s.
Try these. I’m offering just a few choice selections, courtesy of the letter P:
Perfect ... parfait
Paper ... papier
Paradise ... paradis
Pardon ... pardon
Page ... page
Pay ... paie
Pants ... pantaloon
Party ... parti
Pastry ... patisserie
Paint ... peindre
Plant ... plante
Now how hard is that? This will work very, very often….in print. If people are actually using any of these words in conversation, it’s hopeless, at least for me, because the words brush together in an unrecognizable palette like you’re looking at an impressionist painting from an inch away.
One final puzzler for now before I leave you with the crossword puzzle answers below.
Any American fool knows what the French word for "yes" is. It took this American fool weeks to know that the answer spelled out is "oui."
I attribute my ignorance to being Jewish and assumed The French spelled "oy" that way. Faux ami of the highest order.
Then there's always learning from Phoebe Buffay.
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1. ete
2. etre
3. etui
4. ami
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